10 Years

This blog started as a way to document my pregnancy and continued to chronicle the special moments in our lives with our little bundle, but today I am going to write about something else.

It has been almost 10 years since September 11th, 2001. I can hardly accept that fact. So much has happened to me in the past ten years. I started college. I graduated college. I began working. I got engaged, married and pregnant. And now I have a beautiful 4 month old baby boy.

It kills me that my Aunt Lorraine can't be here to see all these things happen. I know how happy even ONE of those milestones would have made her, let alone all of them.

I was just feeding William and flipping thru the channels when I came across a 9/11 documentary on NatGeo. I usually don't stop to watch these things. I feel like my family is inundated with 9/11 as it is, that I dont need to add any more fuel to the fire. But for some reason I stopped to hear this one woman's account of escaping. She was one of the lucky ones. She said when she reached the 1st floor a police woman stopped her from exiting the building. And as they looked up, a second plane crashed into the other tower. It just sliced right threw. I have seen pictures of this too many times to count over the past 10 years. Who hasn't? But I dont know that I ever saw a video. I dont know if it was the angle, the sound or what, but it was just so terrifying to watch it literally slice right through an entire building. Windows, walls, desks, everything inside. Including people. The tears just started to fall uncontrollably, as I knew my aunt was trapped above the floors that the plan went through. I almost wish, if she couldnt have been below or out already of course, that she was on those floors. To be above, to know what happened, and to be trapped...I dont even know what she was feeling. I cant bear to think about it for longer than a few seconds before the tears start. The fear and heart ache I feel is probably miniscule to what she was going through. I wonder who or what she was thinking of. Her husband, Johnny. My grandmother, Joan. Her brothers and sisters. Her nieces and nephews. The baby she never did get to carry but always wanted. The life she would be leaving behind and the eternal life she would be going to. No doubt she was praying to her savior, Jesus, as she was a very devout Catholic. And I hope that she is with Him. I know that she is with Him. And that she is happy where she is. I know she wants us to know this. That she wants us to be happy, too. But I don't think that will ever be entirely possible.

But as I was sitting on the couch, with my beautiful baby in my lap, feeding him his bottle, tears cascading down my face and some splashing onto his....he reached up and touched my cheek with is tiny little hand. And in that moment I somehow knew Aunt Lorraine was with me. That she was been with my since that horrible, horrible day in September 2001. For all my big occasions, for whenever I have prayed to her or needed her guidance. And that she will always, always be with me in spirit, until the day I can be with her again, too.

Long Overdue

It's been an entire season since I've last blogged...literally 3 months. So without further a due...(This one's for you, Lauren.)

It's probably been the craziest three months of my life. I haven't had a second to myself but I love it and wouldn't want it any other way. I love my baby boy and I LOVE that I am home, spending every day with him, for at least the foreseeable future. Watching him grow the past three months has been an incredible experience. William was never "little", as he was over 9 lbs at birth. He fit into NB clothing for a good 2 weeks, before he was already in 3 months. Now, at 3 1/2 months, he is in 6 to 9 months. It has been the fastest, foggiest 3 months of my life. I am trying to remember it all, but the days go by so fast and he seems like a different baby from one week to the next. Bigger, smarter, stronger, more...interactive. I feel like I will blink and he'll be 3 and then 13 and then a grown man.

But let's focus on the present for a minute (and the immediate past). William was baptized 2 weeks ago now. We had a nice celebration afterwards at Rosina's with immediate family. William is a very blessed little boy to have so many people who love him so much.

What else, what else. He is doing very good on tummy time. He has always had stellar head and neck control, literally since the day he was born. When I put him on his tummy he looks as if he is going to crawl, if only he could figure out to push his arms. He rolled over for the first time the other day...August 31. He did it TWICE in a row, from tummy to back, but haven't been successful in getting him to do it again since.

He loves when I sing to him. Which is how you know a child's love for their mother is unconditional....no one else in their right mind would listen in such amazement when I sing. But for some reason he is memorized when I do.

I am afraid he is starting to get a little spoiled though. Everyone always wants to hold him, so now he is used to this. But sorry kiddo, when its just you and Mommy I can't possibly do it ALL day, as much as I would love to. So right now I am letting him cry it out in his swing. He was just changed. He doesnt want his baba. Everything else is fine. He will stop in five minutes or so. Billy and I really but heads on this one because "all the books say" that you can't spoil a child under 6 months old. But generations of mothers have told me otherwise, and I am going to listen to them. So a little tough love will hopefully break him of this habit. ...Look at that, he stopped, just as I finished writing this. And back to sleep. I think a large part of it is he fights to stay awake. His big eyes are so tired yet he doesn't want to miss anything! Listen little one, right now, you are the best and most interesting part of our family, so if you are asleep, trust me, NOTHING good is going on :) Get your rest now while you can and while you need it most!!

Ok now I have to go start dinner...I promise I will try to be more diligent with this blog, now that I know my loyal readers (or just you Lauren) actually want to know what's going on!!

He's here!!

Just read my last post which was written on the Friday before William was born...and I thought I had a whole weekend left before he'd be here. Little did I know.

Thinking we had a whole weekend, Billy and I had plans to clean the whole apartment from top to bottom, go food shopping, etc to prepare for William's arrival so we were all set when he was here. The doctor had told me to stay on bed rest all weekend so really it was Billy who was going to do all of these things. We had to go to the hospital that morning for me to get more bloodwork done. We had arrived home around noon or 1 I think (had a late start that morning) and he had started the cleaning process and was about halfway through when we got a call from Dr. Generelli at about 3 pm telling me I was going to go to the hospital that night at 7. She told me to call at 6 to make sure they were still able to take me a 7. They would begin the induction that night. I was very nervous after this phone call. It was finally happening! What I had been wanting to happen the past 4 weeks was finally here and now I didnt want it to be happening so soon. I tried to rest and relax because I knew (but really didnt know at all) what I'd be in for the next day or so and figured I'd need my rest. But who can rest when they know they will be going to the hospital within hours???

In what seemed like only a few short minutes, the 3 hours had passed and it was 6 oclock. I called Labor & Delivery and they told me to come at 7:30. I was very anxious so we went to my mom's and waited there until 7 when we (Billy, my mom and sister) left for the hospital. We arrived at nearly 7:30 on the dot and I walked into L&D. I had pre-registered online a few weeks before so they had all my information waiting and ushered me into a room right away. The doctor came in shortly after and gave me Cervidil which is supposed to ripen the uterus. That was all the inducing they would do for that night.

At about 3 am I got up to (what I thought) go to the bathroom, but could barely make it out of bed before I felt that infamous gush. I called the nurse (Michelle) and told her I think my water broke. She came in right away and confirmed it had. Maybe a result of the Cervidil, maybe on its own, they said there was no real way to tell what caused it. After that I had some light cramping the rest of the night but nothing too severe.

At 7 am, Dr. Generelli came back in and started me on Pitocin, which brings on labor. Also had a new nurse for this shift, Judy. The contractions started coming slowly for awhile and nothing too horrible. The doctor told me after I was at 3 cms I could have the epidural if I wanted to do so. So from 7 am on, they got progressively worse and worse, and closer and closer together...I was really had no time in between from one contraction to the next, they were like a minute apart. One would end and the next would begin within seconds. A few hours later the doctor came in to check on my progession but I still wasnt very much dilated. Maybe 1 cm or 1 1/2 cms, I dont remember exactly. At some point she gave the OK for me to have the epidural despite not being at 3 cms (Thank God because I never did get to 3 cms!!). I knew I wanted it, but I kept trying to wait it out. When you dont know how bad contractions are going to get, how do you know how soon to ask for the ep? I was trying to get through as many as I could on my own. About noon I finally couldnt take it, literally tears in my eyes through each contraction, and asked for the epidural. They administered it by 12:30 and then complete numbness. I didnt feel a thing. I only knew I was having contractions based on the monitoring that showed when I was having them.

For the next 4+ hours I was pain free and happy as anything. The doctor kept coming in to check my progression, but still, not much was happening. It was finally about 5 pm when she decided to call it and opt for the C-section (at which point, after 10 hours of labor, not counting anything from the night before, I was only about 2 1/2 cms dilated).

In a way I was relieved that it would finally be happening, but I was also disappointed that my mom wouldnt be able to be there with me. If I had natural birth, you are allowed 2 people in the L&D room, but in the OR only Billy was allowed. He put on scrubs and they got me ready for surgery. It was 5:20 when they wheeled me into the OR. Since it was a Sunday night, they had a limited staff, and just as I was ready for surgery, another mother with a distressed baby need a C section so they tended to her while I waited in the OR. I dont know what time they started the surgery exactly after that point. All I know is I felt a lot of pressure and poking and then he was born at 6:04, 9lbs, 4oz and 20.5 inches. They showed him to me and Billy got to hold him. I remember crying and saying how beautiful he was. I knew he'd be cute (what mother doesnt think their baby is cute?) but I really wasnt expecting him to be as perfect and as beautiful as he was and is. More than I could ever imagine a baby to be. To actually see him in reality and not just sonograms or how I pictured him in my mind to be...it was just amazing.

The anesthesiologist took a picture of the 3 of us before they took the baby to the nursery to do, whatever it is they do to newborns, and Billy went with him. At this point I remember I was having trouble breathing and I was shivering. I think the doctor said I was loosing blood because they were having trouble closing me up. I also felt intense pressure on my chest, like a grown adult was standing on my chest. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something and I said yes...whatever it was knocked me out completely and the next thing I knew I was in the post-op room. Nurse Judy was leaving and Nurse Michelle was as it was almost 7 pm again. Billy came back and showed me pictures of our baby.

It wasnt until about 8 or 830 that I was brought to a room in the maternity ward. Visiting hours were over but I had a lot of family waiting from 5 pm so begrudgingly the security guard let them in my room to see me and let them see William through the nursery glass. Besides our parents, Aunt Meg was there, my aunts Patricia, Barbara and Denise, Uncle Jay, Marge, cousins Nicole, Kelly and Kaitlyn and my Nanny. A little bit ater they brought me to my room, they finally brought William to me to hold for the very first time. Most of our guests had to leave at this point, except for our parents. I dont remember this at all, but I am told the first thing I said to my son was "So you are the one who made me gain 60 lbs!" ...real nice. I blame the morphine.

That whole night and most of the next few days in the hospital was very cloudy for me. I was so happy to finally come home on Wednesday morning.
Needless to say Billy never did get to finish cleaning the apartment, so when we finally did come home, we came home to a tornado. But thank God for my mom who slept over that Thursday and spent all day Friday cleaning the apartment from top to bottom. She's a good egg.

Now it has been 17 days that William has been a part of our lives and I cant imagine him not being here. I love him so much and want him to stay a baby forever, but I know he won't...he has already changed so much in the less than 3 weeks he's been here...not even 3 weeks and time is already flying....

41 weeks

....is much too long of a time to be pregnant. I honestly thought my baby would be here for at least a week if not more by now. The ONLY good thing about 41 weeks is knowing it can only possibly be ONE MOR WEEK. If I made it this far I can do another 3 to 7 days. BUT THEN THAT IS IT!

Had a non-stress test yesterday morning at the hospital. Everything was fine. He is a little stinker though, wouldn't wake up!! Although it was only 9 a.m., and I told the nurse he is a night owl, not an early bird. They had to buzz a little alarm noise on my stomach to wake him up. But then he did what he had to do and they were satisfied.

Then I had to get even MORE blood drawn. Really do you have enough of my blood yet, Monmouth Medical Center? And I have to pee in a jar for the next 24 hours (did this last week too)...digusting I know, and then have more blood drawn tomorrow morning when I drop off the "specimen". Based on the results from this labwork they will either induce me at 7:30 Monday night, or possibly Tuesday. I am hoping for Monday, obviously.

Also have a sonogram appt on Monday at 1....not really sure WHY if they are inducing 6 hours later...seems kind of pointless and I really think it's just to make more money.

Doctor also put me on "bed rest"-ish for the next few days. Dont have to really stay in bed but she wants me resting and relaxing, feet up as much as possible, because I am that swollen.

The doctor won't induce yet though obviously. She said that he is still too high, that even if they did induce yesterday or today, there was a 50% chance of me having to have a c-section anyway. She really wants to avoid that, and I do appreciate her concern in that respect. But on the other hand I feel like, ok enough is enough, let's just do this already.

And I have a feeling with my luck it will end up being a c-section ANYWAY so why put off the inevitable.

Anyway...the next time I post will hopefully be with pictures of my little baby!!!! Here's to my last weekend without children!!!! Better make it a good one!

5 Days Late

So my due date was Friday. People ask me in the store when I'm due. Friday I say. Good luck they reply. No, LAST Friday I say. Cue look of sympathy.

I know 5 days isnt a huge deal but when YOU are the one who is carrying around a watermelon, 5 days feels like 5 decades. Each day just drags. Every little twinge makes me hopeful that it's starting, and then nothing. Every doctor's appt I am hoping to hear good news (dilation, etc) and nothing. So it gets very frustrating and irritating.

I know logically he will be here eventually, that it HAS to end, that it can't go on FOREVER, even though it feels like it will, but try being logical with a woman who is 9 months pregnant. It's a losing battle that I suggest you not even try to have.

So after much crying yesterday...I was fine at the doctor but the second I walked outside it just started pouring out lol. I eventually calmed down and am doing ok now....just tired of waiting. I am a very impatient person to begin with and I like to prepare and plan for things. So this does NOT work for me. I am going to have to get used to not being able to call the shots though, as I'm sure that will be William's job as soon as he gets here :)

Tomorrow AM I go for a non-stress test at the hospital, followed by a doctor's appointment that afternoon. Monday is a sonogram and another doctor's appointment. I have to go twice a week now since I'm late. I am hoping I will be able to cancel Monday's appointments, but I have been hoping that the past two weeks to no avail.

Well at least I know the longest it can be is another week. Then we're coming in after him!

I gained a TON (almost literally) of weight, too. So I am really upset about that, even though I wasn't pigging out or eating junk food. I just ate when I was hungry and I ate what I wanted to eat, especially at the beginning when there wasn't much I could even stomach. I know he is a big baby and the after-birth and water weight, etc. will add up, but I will still have a way to go after that. I know I can do it, I just feel disappointed that I gained so much. I wish the doctor had said something if I was getting too big. Although friends, family, strangers, they all say I look so tiny, with just a big belly. So who knows. I'm anxious to see what I will lose right away and what I will have left to lose via exercise and Weight Watchers. I know I can do it. Just gonna be a long summer!!!

Due Date...More like "Don't" Date....

(As in "I don't wanna come out yet, Mom!")


So this is what 40 weeks pregnant feels like????

Not that I should even be upset or impatient yet, because I know it is very rare that you go on your actual due date and it is even more likely for first time moms to be late rather than early. I was just reaaaaally hoping he'd be here by now. I am still hoping he will be here for Mother's Day, but I am not holding my breath. I will have to just celebrate next year :/

So on a day that I was, in a perfect world, supposed to be in labor, I instead had some bloodwork done, took in a movie, had lunch with my cousin, bought a super cute dress in a size small (healthy dose of wishful thinking and some good motivation to get back into shape ASAP!!!)

Yesterday at my doctor's appointment my blood pressure was slightly high. That coupled with the swelling I've been having, my doctor wants to just keep on eye on any developing preclampsia. She said there is nothing to be worried about yet, but she ordered some bloodwork anyway so that step is aready done, should anything get worse over the next few days. I honestly think my BP was high because I was in a rush getting to the appointment on time. But better safe than sorry. Monday afternoon I go for an ultrasound to gauge the size of the baby and Tuesday morning I have another appointment with my doctor.

At least I know the longest it can be now is another 2 weeks. By this time 2 weeks from now William WILL be here. Which is both very exciting and very scary, so maybe I should enjoy my last few nights of not having a newborn, because I am sure I don't even know what my life is going to be like and what is in store for me once he arrives.

But I can't wait to meet him/see him/hold him/kiss him!!!!!!!!!!!

About to friggin pop.

So today is the last day of my 39th week. Tomorrow I begin 40 -- aka hopefully the LAST WEEK -- of my pregnancy.

Since my last post, Baby William has definitely flipped around. As of the last post, I was debating between going through with the version procedure or not. I decided over the weekend before the procedure to cancel it. I called Monday morning and did so. Sometime on Monday eventhing there was a lot of movement going on in my belly. And then I felt little pokes and kicks in different areas, more vertical than horizontal. And I had a feeling he had flipped into position. When I went to the doctor last Thursday (4/21), she confirmed that he had, in fact, flipped. I was so proud of my son for knowning what to do and doing it, even when the doctors said there was a slim chance at this stage and size of him moving out of a breech position.

I go back this afternoon to the doctor and hoping he is still in position. I think he has, but he has moved once so I am not putting anything past this little guy. I am hoping for some good news as far as dilating or effacement or dropping. People say my belly looks like it is lower now so I am hoping he has dropped. Although last week the doctor said he was still pretty high, so we'll see what she says.

It has been so hot lately, I can't stand it. I don't know how women go thru the summer months in their third trimesters. Even second. I am glad I was only pregnant end of August and September and at those points was only a few months. I think I'll try to plan future pregnancies around this same timeline lol.

I also don't get women who say they loved being pregnant. Sure it has its good moments. But I am guessing these women never got to 39 weeks because I'm sorry but it is torturous. You're big. You're hot. You're swollen. You are no energy, even though you have so much left to do to prepare for the very near arrival. Oh AND...you get people telling you "any day now!!!" when you feel like delivery is a lifetime away. Any day my foot. People have been saying that to me for weeks and still NOTHING lol. "Hang in there!" As if I have some other option lol. At least I know it can't be too much longer now.

Don't get me wrong, most of the pregnancy, minus the second half of the first trimester when I was battling morning sickness, and this last 9th month, has been great. But pregnancy is no cakewalk, and God bless the women who go through it with no problems!

Last week the doctor said if I am still undelivered at my due date (May 6) then they will send me for another ultrasound to see how big the baby has gotten. I am assuming if he is big (which he will be, as 2 wks ago he was 7 1/2 lbs already), they will induce me, as to not keep this huge child in me any longer. I remember the childbirth class instructor saying at a certain point when the baby gets too big, the mother can no longer provide as well for him so it's best to get the baby out. I'm hoping to go on my own before next Friday, but I will be more than willing to do whatever the doctor thinks is best for me and William at that time.

I will update later with any new developments from today's appointment!! Just think, a BABY will be here any time from RIGHT NOW to at the latest, 2 weeks from now.....aaaaah!!!!!!